As the year comes to a close, I, like most begin to reflect
on all I’ve accomplished. And like most overly self-critical, over-worked,
perfectionists, I’ve accomplished “nothing.” Now, if someone says, “Really?
Nothing?” I can usually produce a few things that to most definitely qualify as
accomplishments. Living in a city like Los Angeles as an artist, where there
are millions like you does not help. MILLIONS. They are all working hard. They
are all producing art. Someone is always working harder or producing more art
than you and they’re probably doing it better. (Well… that’s subjective
obviously. But remember, self-loathing and overly-critical over here.) Whenever I get an idea to create something,
whether it is a blog, a sketch, a song, or even a joke, I find myself saying
things like “No one want to read/watch/listen to/fund/go to that!” “People are gonna think I’m
weird/corny/talentless/dumb for sharing this.” Or, “People are gonna think I’m
arrogant or self-involved if I share this about myself.” What’s even worse is
that there are the projects that have been started and even finished that I can’t
bring myself to share because they aren’t “perfect.” And “So and so did
something like this and its pretty good, soooo…. I’ll just let them bask in the
glory of accomplishment.”
Future art critic.
Then it becomes so easy to sit on my couch, on my computer
and make fun of all the awful, awful art out there. The bad movies, the bad
jokes, the bad YouTube videos, the bad books, the bad scripts, the bad photos, the
bad songs, etc, etc… Because it’s
hilarious to make fun of people for working really hard and sharing a project
with the world, right? As I’ve learned, No, it is not. I’m making fun because I’m
jealous with an unhealthy intensity.
Have you ever wondered “Why in the world is THAT guy/girl
famous?” It is probably because he/she is the “hardest working
Seriously, HOW is this guy still working. The WORST.
guy/girl in show
business.” He/she probably produces at such a rate, and self-promotes at such a
rate that he/she is impossible to ignore. And it is likely that because they've
got so much experience producing and self-promoting, that at least ONE great
thing is created and there you have success. However you define it. Can you imagine if ALL the world's most talented shared with us ALL the time? It would be an amazing place!
So, in the spirit of the New Year, I’ve declared 2014 the
year of “OUTPUT.” I pledge to share everything I create and I promise to create
those ideas that have been floating around in my head for years. I’d like to begin
with something that I’ve wanted to do for YEARS but have never done because I
was sure people would not want to listen and they would think I was a super
cornball. Here it goes: I recorded some Christmas Music. I recorded it so hard,
it happened in the same recording studio where Guns n’ Roses recorded ‘Appetite
for Destruction’ and No Doubt recorded ‘Tragic Kingdom’ and many others. I
FINALLY did it and it was an awesome experience and I will never regret it. I
admit it world, I like to sing and I’m CHWEER FOR CHRISTMAS!
I must say a special “Thank
you!” to David Duarte for the studio time and his exceptional skill.
I hope this post finds you all well and inspires you to make
2014 the year of “OUTPUT” for you, too! The world needs whatever you have to
offer!
I know that enjoying Christmas traditions aren’t for
everyone, the music especially. I think we can all admit it can be pretty
corny. It isn’t exactly the manliest of men or the burliest of bitches that
want to light a candle and turn up Josh Grobin’s exquisite version of ‘Oh, Holy
Night.’ I don’t know a single Badass Mofo that would throw on a furry mitten
muff to go wassailing ‘Jingle Bells’ for the neighbors. But, hey! Don’t
fret fellow Badasses! Though Christmas may seem to be a tradition frozen in
time, the fact of the matter is, it has been slowly evolving. It seems that humans at all levels of
“HARDCORE” can be in on the Christmas celebrations, er, I mean, Christmas Ragers.
So, I have compiled a list of the TOP 10 MOST BADASS CHRISTMAS SONGS. Aw yeah.
10. CHRISTMAS WITH THE DEVIL- SPINAL TAP
That’s right. The world’s most badass fake 70s heavy metal
band put out a pretty killer Christmas song. It’d be higher up on the list,
but…. Spinal Tap isn’t a real band…. But… If they aren’t a real band, then how
is our 10th most badass Christmas song ‘Christmas with the Devil’ by
Spinal Tap? Quite the mind fuck.
9. MERRY CHRISTMAS (I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT TONIGHT) – THE
RAMONES
The original punk rock band took a break from being so punk
long enough to make a Christmas song. The song is ok, the video is cheesy, but
the Ramones’ status as Punk Rock Legends lands them on the list.
8. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY- SLADE
Slade is a British
Glam Rock band from the 70s that influenced the likes of The Clash, Cheap
Trick, and Motley Crue. Fun fact though,
their number one selling hit was, you guessed it, a badass Christmas song.
7. GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN- MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER
This song would be higher on the list if Chip Davis wasn’t
so obsessed with synthesizers and tambourines. But for its sheer epicness, it
is badass in my heart.
6. I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS TODAY- JULIAN CASABLANCAS
This song was originally made famous by its performance on
SNL by writers Horatio Sanz and Jimmy Fallon. The SNL performance, that also
included Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan, was hilarious, but the song wasn’t
quite badass until Julian Casablancas covered it with a rock twist. Though in
pictures he appears to be a sad lesbian, his voice is quite commanding. It
gives one of my favorite “Get excited, it’s Christmas” songs that extra edge.
5. SANTA CLAUS GOES STRAIGHT TO THE GHETTO- SNOOP DOGGY DOGG
Snoop spits the truth in our number 6. Hip-hop bitches be
wearing Santa outfits n’ sheee. “Snoop Dogg made a song? Oh, you know it’s on
the list!”
4. SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN- ALICE COOPER
Alice Cooper is the quintessential badass. He also resides
in my hometown, Scottsdale, AZ. He also, after seeing a dance performance of
mine (his wife is a dancer and choreographed for a show in which I danced for
years,) shook my hand a told me I reminded him of his daughter. This
information is not pertinent to the description of this song, but I’m just
saying, I personally know he is the only one who can make ‘Santa Claus is
coming to town’ a badass song. Thanks, Alice.
3. MERRY MOTHERFUCKIN X-MAS- EAZY E
Leave to Eazy E to turn the spirit of Christmas into a blow
job. Hey! It’s Christmas. To each his own. “Ring dem bells, Ring dem bells, she’s
taking it all the way!” Uh huh.
2. GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN- RONNIE JAMES DIO
With a voice that is the epitome of Metal and guitar
riffs/solos reminiscent of Metal’s birth, Ronnie James Dio, brings ‘God Rest Ye’
to life. Fun fact: He was only 5’4.” Not very metal.
Reminiscent of great melodic death metal, this is, without a
doubt, the most badass of the Christmas songs. From the massive orchestra, the
melodic beginning, the epic guitar solos, to the big, fantastical finish, this
song keeps it classical while producing head bang inducing riffs all the way
through to the end where you feel the need to exclaim at the top of your lungs,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!” as if you’ve just blown your Holiday load. It. Feels.
Incredible.
HONORABLE MENTION: BABY, ITS COLD OUTSIDE- DOLLY PARTON, ROD
STEWART
Good ol’ Rod gets a shout out for taking this Holiday
classic and making its Rape themes clearer to all. Let this be a lesson to you
ladies, Date Rape doesn’t take a break during the Holiday season.
CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE MOST OPPOSITE OF BADASS
CHRISTMAS SONGS:
LAST CHRISTMAS- WHAM
I hate to say this, Wham, but this is the silliest of
Christmas songs.
CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE MOST OPPOSITE OF BADASS
CHRISTMAS VIDEOS:
IT MUST BE SANTA- BOB DYLAN
Sorry Bob Dylan, old rockers never die, but they should
definitely retire before this point. “He laughs this way, Ho, Ho, Ho.” (Is he unconscious
being puppeteered by the P.A.’s? Like a ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ thing? It’s
probable.)
MOST BADASS (METAL) CHRISTMAS DUDE FOR LIGHTING UP HIS HOUSE
WITH SLAYER
This guy spent hours making this video. RE…. SPECT…. (I know
that’s Pantera, but it was fitting.)
Merry Christmas, fellow Badasses! You can walk a little
taller this Holiday season and celebrate with family and friends knowing your Man/Woman
cards are still valid.
This time of year, my roommates (boyfriend/cat) and I
constantly argue about the importance our household will place on the holidays.
I would like to place an extreme amount of importance by adding extra decorations,
food, family, friends, and fun. They would like to place little (cat) to none
(boyfriend.)
Nothing says "Christmas" like a Keanu Reeves meme.
What my roommates don’t understand is that I am a girl who trick-or-treated
until I was 19. Mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie run through my veins. I
(honestly) thought Santa Clause was real well into my double digits. (I made it
work somehow in my mind… i.e. He had helpers impersonate him. His sleigh was
more like a rocket that had technology NASA didn’t yet.) Boyfriend says the
holidays are used exploit us as consumers and “its disgusting” and all that. He
also, as an agnostic, LOVES to call into question my religious beliefs whenever
I’m like, “BUT IT’S CHRISTMAS!” I grew up religious, but it’s not those values
that call to me around October. It’s the traditions. I’ll admit, I spend more
money around this time of year, but it’s because I want to surround myself with
the sights and sounds of the season and I want to give gifts that show people
that I’m thinking about them. SOMETIMES, it gets a little stressful
financially. And yes, people like Nicole Westbrook (See video below) happen and try to ruin
Thanksgiving forever and it makes you sick. And yes, the ENDLESS car
commercials where wife/husband receives car for Christmas but are disappointed
because they REALLY wanted the car the commercial is advertising, are just the
absolute worst and are a complete disconnect from most of the world. AND Yes, Black Friday is a ploy to get us to
spend more money than most of us planned and they’ve actually begun to mark prices
back up (Best Buy) on Black Friday just to make even more money off of those
who are “eager” enough to shop that day. BUT, some people actually enjoy the
challenge and have made it a family activity and some people actually save a
lot of money on an item they might not otherwise be able to afford. So… hey, to each his own. I personally, will never
participate because I don’t want to die being trampled by Wal-Mart Monkeys and
because I like sleep and alcohol too much to wake up early/stay awake that
long. And, quite frankly, I’ve never been asked to go.
"I didn't get the vintage day scarf I wanted."
Here’s what I’m saying: Religious or not and no matter what
Holiday you celebrate, the weather’s cozy, the lights are pretty, the
festivities are abundant, family time is at an all time high, eating is mandatory,
and you get to give and RECEIVE presents! SO, all you critics better let the F
up on all your “anti-establishment” research and learn to enjoy yourselves
because if I am subject to one more story of an obscure example of extreme
consumerism or anti-capitalist/anti-religious rants, I will personally rip the
lensless, black-rimmed glasses right off your face and take that AND your
ironic Elmo shirt, put it in my toilet, and I will take my morning shit on
them. And all you crazy consumers better
not max out your credit cards for your ungrateful children or give a single
gift card this year to take the easy route, because, guess what? That says, I had
to get you a gift card because I didn’t care enough to think too hard about
you. (That’s right. And no, not even if the gift card is for a massage. Do that
shit yourself! It will mean more! Oh, a gift card for the movies? NOPE! Make a
movie for someone and tell me they won’t talk about that for many, many
Christmases to come!) Enjoy yourselves. Donate your time to someone. Do
something nice for someone. Make something for someone. Make a special dinner.
Watch a special movie. Do it all with the people you love and Fucking ENJOY
YOURSELVES!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS from all of us here at Andrea Chesley: Blogger.
