Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Philanthropy Trilogy- Part 1


Prologue:

Liar. Also, Karate is no match for Ninjas. Idiot. 

Will the spare change you give a homeless person only go to drugs and alcohol? Is the charity you just wrote a check to in front of a CVS a legitimate charity? Is it still “giving” to an organization if said organization gives you a gift for giving to its organization and said gift increases in value as your gift to the organization increases in value? Great, great questions. This is the constant battle we as young people face as we enter the world of philanthropy. I think I, and hopefully most of us have determined that is does not matter. Your karma points increase in direct proportion to your selfless giving. So, to celebrate “December: The Rise of the Giver,” I present my take on Philanthropy.


Please do not let my definition of philanthropy in this trilogy be confused with just being a decent human being. Being a decent human being is the necessary foundation for Philanthropy. Helping an old lady off the ground after a nasty spill does not make you charitable. Giving the deaf, one-armed, elderly man at McDonald’s the last 16 cents from the bottom of your pocket that he needs to cover his Big Mac, again does not make you charitable. Congratulations. It makes you not a monster.  (Also, philanthropists do not post about their charitable work in their facebook status. Just to be clear.)


Part 1: You Gotta Get Over Yourself


It was a Saturday morning in December. I had made, yet another obligatory trip to Trader Joes and after parking, I opened my car door and on the ground, right there in the parking lot was a tightly folded $1 bill. I let out the “Aaaaawww YEEEEAAAAAH” that happens when I find money. (Only silver(s) and paper excite me anymore. I don’t care if its heads up.)  I thought about all the things I might do with this Universe Dollar. It was a smaller list than I felt should be in proportion to my finder’s celebration, but I put it in my purse, in a special compartment so I could do something special with my good fortune. As I walked around Trader Joes looking for $1 items that I could say the universe bought me, I thought, ‘This is stupid. It’s the Holidays. I’m gonna wait for that perfect moment and I’m gonna give this dollar to someone who needs it more than I.’ (I know. OMG. You’re so great, Andrea. You’re giving away a DOLLAR! Pssshh. Come down off your high pony.) But, I liked the idea of holding that $1 on the universe’s behalf until the right person came along to take it.


Sure enough, the following evening, I was fresh out of work, still in my uniform and had run to Target to stock up on toiletries and stocking stuffers. As I exited, I saw these two young girls in Santa hats and red jackets that read “LA Children.” They were finding no luck as they were lifting their money buckets toward passing shoppers, “Would you like to help the Children of Los Angeles have a Christmas?!?” As I approached I thought of my dollar. ‘This is it! I want to help the children!’ I thought. I walked closer and reached in to my purse, into the special compartment and felt around for my Universe Dollar. Just as I felt it between my fingers and lifted my head from my search one of the girls called toward me saying, “Ma’am!” (‘Ma’am?’ Thanks, ya little bitch.) “OH, Ma’am! Heh, heh, heh.” She laughed to herself, “Why…  Are ya searchin’ in that bag for your SMILE?!?” (For background on why this is was so upsetting to me, please refer the blog post entitled, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile.” Short version: Smile jokes never produce smiles and make perfectly innocent people look stupid. Shorter version: I HATE THEM.)



Smile. Only if you feel like it. 
I straightened up. My jaw stiffened and I held my breath. My eyes glazed over and with the dollar clenched in my hands, I kept walking, ignoring the futureless brat. As I turned a corner, I collapsed over and with my hands on my knees, took a few deep breaths. ‘WTF?!? Why do people think the tricky smile jokes work!?!!’ I thought. ‘And why is a joke best fit for Mr. Rogers’s mom being made by a teenager in 2012?!?!’ After the initial shock wore off, I realized the universe must be challenging me, to react differently this time to the “Smile conundrum.” I just couldn’t overcome it the last time. I never gave to the Red Cross that day in August and guess what? Hurricane Sandy. That’s what. This time I was NOT going to let the children suffer. I was going to get over myself and be the bigger person. I turned back around the corner. I walked toward that girl and her partner and,with a face I call my “John Wayne,” I silently placed my Universe dollar in her money bucket. Oh, I placed it firmly. She said, “Thank you!” I stood there, staring at her for a moment. Then, I reached in my wallet and I pulled out a regular Andrea dollar and again, silently placed it firmly in her bucket. “Oh, uh thanks again… ma’am.” I nodded and I walked proudly away. No point was to be proven by me denying LA’s Children $2 because I think rampant smile jokes are the reason the world might actually end tomorrow (12/21/12.)  But, there I was. Over myself. Ready to grow as a philanthropist. Also, I had probably creeped that girl out with my silence. Bonus. 



If you’ve got it, give it. Selflessly. Without question or expectation. If you learn a little something about yourself along the way, you’re lucky. Very lucky. (Secret: If I ever see that girl out of her Red LA Children's jacket, she'll never smile again.)

This is fake. Probably. 

Sunday, December 9, 2012

The Top 10 most BADASS Christmas Songs


I know that enjoying Christmas traditions aren’t for everyone, the music especially. I think we can all admit it can be pretty corny. It isn’t exactly the manliest of men or the burliest of bitches that want to light a candle and turn up Josh Grobin’s exquisite version of ‘Oh, Holy Night.’ I don’t know a single Badass Mofo that would throw on a furry mitten muff to go wassailing ‘Jingle Bells’ for the neighbors. But, hey! Don’t fret fellow Badasses! Though Christmas may seem to be a tradition frozen in time, the fact of the matter is, it has been slowly evolving.  It seems that humans at all levels of “HARDCORE” can be in on the Christmas celebrations, er, I mean, Christmas Ragers. So, I have compiled a list of the TOP 10 MOST BADASS CHRISTMAS SONGS. Aw yeah.


10. CHRISTMAS WITH THE DEVIL- SPINAL TAP
That’s right. The world’s most badass fake 70s heavy metal band put out a pretty killer Christmas song. It’d be higher up on the list, but…. Spinal Tap isn’t a real band…. But… If they aren’t a real band, then how is our 10th most badass Christmas song ‘Christmas with the Devil’ by Spinal Tap? Quite the mind fuck.





9. MERRY CHRISTMAS (I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT TONIGHT) – THE RAMONES
The original punk rock band took a break from being so punk long enough to make a Christmas song. The song is ok, the video is cheesy, but the Ramones’ status as Punk Rock Legends lands them on the list.





8. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY- SLADE
 Slade is a British Glam Rock band from the 70s that influenced the likes of The Clash, Cheap Trick, and Motley Crue.  Fun fact though, their number one selling hit was, you guessed it, a badass Christmas song.






7. GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN- MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER
This song would be higher on the list if Chip Davis wasn’t so obsessed with synthesizers and tambourines. But for its sheer epicness, it is badass in my heart.






6. I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS TODAY- JULIAN CASABLANCAS
This song was originally made famous by its performance on SNL by writers Horatio Sanz and Jimmy Fallon. The SNL performance, that also included Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan, was hilarious, but the song wasn’t quite badass until Julian Casablancas covered it with a rock twist. Though in pictures he appears to be a sad lesbian, his voice is quite commanding. It gives one of my favorite “Get excited, it’s Christmas” songs that extra edge.







5. SANTA CLAUS GOES STRAIGHT TO THE GHETTO- SNOOP DOGGY DOGG
Snoop spits the truth in our number 6. Hip-hop bitches be wearing Santa outfits n’ sheee. “Snoop Dogg made a song? Oh, you know it’s on the list!”





4. SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN- ALICE COOPER
Alice Cooper is the quintessential badass. He also resides in my hometown, Scottsdale, AZ. He also, after seeing a dance performance of mine (his wife is a dancer and choreographed for a show in which I danced for years,) shook my hand a told me I reminded him of his daughter. This information is not pertinent to the description of this song, but I’m just saying, I personally know he is the only one who can make ‘Santa Claus is coming to town’ a badass song. Thanks, Alice.






3. MERRY MOTHERFUCKIN X-MAS- EAZY E
Leave to Eazy E to turn the spirit of Christmas into a blow job. Hey! It’s Christmas. To each his own. “Ring dem bells, Ring dem bells, she’s taking it all the way!” Uh huh.







2. GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN- RONNIE JAMES DIO
With a voice that is the epitome of Metal and guitar riffs/solos reminiscent of Metal’s birth, Ronnie James Dio, brings ‘God Rest Ye’ to life. Fun fact: He was only 5’4.” Not very metal.






1.  CHRISTMAS EVE/SARAJEVO- TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA
Reminiscent of great melodic death metal, this is, without a doubt, the most badass of the Christmas songs. From the massive orchestra, the melodic beginning, the epic guitar solos, to the big, fantastical finish, this song keeps it classical while producing head bang inducing riffs all the way through to the end where you feel the need to exclaim at the top of your lungs, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!” as if you’ve just blown your Holiday load. It. Feels. Incredible.








HONORABLE MENTION: BABY, ITS COLD OUTSIDE- DOLLY PARTON, ROD STEWART
Good ol’ Rod gets a shout out for taking this Holiday classic and making its Rape themes clearer to all. Let this be a lesson to you ladies, Date Rape doesn’t take a break during the Holiday season.






CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE MOST OPPOSITE OF BADASS CHRISTMAS SONGS:
LAST CHRISTMAS- WHAM
I hate to say this, Wham, but this is the silliest of Christmas songs.







CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE MOST OPPOSITE OF BADASS CHRISTMAS VIDEOS:
IT MUST BE SANTA- BOB DYLAN
Sorry Bob Dylan, old rockers never die, but they should definitely retire before this point. “He laughs this way, Ho, Ho, Ho.” (Is he unconscious being puppeteered by the P.A.’s? Like a ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ thing? It’s probable.)







MOST BADASS (METAL) CHRISTMAS DUDE FOR LIGHTING UP HIS HOUSE WITH SLAYER
This guy spent hours making this video. RE…. SPECT…. (I know that’s Pantera, but it was fitting.)







Merry Christmas, fellow Badasses! You can walk a little taller this Holiday season and celebrate with family and friends knowing your Man/Woman cards are still valid.