I know that enjoying Christmas traditions aren’t for everyone, the music especially. I think we can all admit it can be pretty corny. It isn’t exactly the manliest of men or the burliest of bitches that want to light a candle and turn up Josh Grobin’s exquisite version of ‘Oh, Holy Night.’ I don’t know a single Badass Mofo that would throw on a furry mitten muff to go wassailing ‘Jingle Bells’ for the neighbors. But, hey! Don’t fret fellow Badasses! Though Christmas may seem to be a tradition frozen in time, the fact of the matter is, it has been slowly evolving. It seems that humans at all levels of “HARDCORE” can be in on the Christmas celebrations, er, I mean, Christmas Ragers. So, I have compiled a list of the TOP 10 MOST BADASS CHRISTMAS SONGS. Aw yeah.
10. CHRISTMAS WITH THE DEVIL- SPINAL TAP
That’s right. The world’s most badass fake 70s heavy metal band put out a pretty killer Christmas song. It’d be higher up on the list, but…. Spinal Tap isn’t a real band…. But… If they aren’t a real band, then how is our 10th most badass Christmas song ‘Christmas with the Devil’ by Spinal Tap? Quite the mind fuck.
9. MERRY CHRISTMAS (I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT TONIGHT) – THE RAMONES
The original punk rock band took a break from being so punk long enough to make a Christmas song. The song is ok, the video is cheesy, but the Ramones’ status as Punk Rock Legends lands them on the list.
8. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY- SLADE
Slade is a British Glam Rock band from the 70s that influenced the likes of The Clash, Cheap Trick, and Motley Crue. Fun fact though, their number one selling hit was, you guessed it, a badass Christmas song.
7. GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN- MANNHEIM STEAMROLLER
This song would be higher on the list if Chip Davis wasn’t so obsessed with synthesizers and tambourines. But for its sheer epicness, it is badass in my heart.
6. I WISH IT WAS CHRISTMAS TODAY- JULIAN CASABLANCAS
This song was originally made famous by its performance on SNL by writers Horatio Sanz and Jimmy Fallon. The SNL performance, that also included Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan, was hilarious, but the song wasn’t quite badass until Julian Casablancas covered it with a rock twist. Though in pictures he appears to be a sad lesbian, his voice is quite commanding. It gives one of my favorite “Get excited, it’s Christmas” songs that extra edge.
5. SANTA CLAUS GOES STRAIGHT TO THE GHETTO- SNOOP DOGGY DOGG
Snoop spits the truth in our number 6. Hip-hop bitches be wearing Santa outfits n’ sheee. “Snoop Dogg made a song? Oh, you know it’s on the list!”
4. SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN- ALICE COOPER
Alice Cooper is the quintessential badass. He also resides in my hometown, Scottsdale, AZ. He also, after seeing a dance performance of mine (his wife is a dancer and choreographed for a show in which I danced for years,) shook my hand a told me I reminded him of his daughter. This information is not pertinent to the description of this song, but I’m just saying, I personally know he is the only one who can make ‘Santa Claus is coming to town’ a badass song. Thanks, Alice.
3. MERRY MOTHERFUCKIN X-MAS- EAZY E
Leave to Eazy E to turn the spirit of Christmas into a blow job. Hey! It’s Christmas. To each his own. “Ring dem bells, Ring dem bells, she’s taking it all the way!” Uh huh.
2. GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN- RONNIE JAMES DIO
With a voice that is the epitome of Metal and guitar riffs/solos reminiscent of Metal’s birth, Ronnie James Dio, brings ‘God Rest Ye’ to life. Fun fact: He was only 5’4.” Not very metal.
1. CHRISTMAS EVE/SARAJEVO- TRANS-SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA
Reminiscent of great melodic death metal, this is, without a doubt, the most badass of the Christmas songs. From the massive orchestra, the melodic beginning, the epic guitar solos, to the big, fantastical finish, this song keeps it classical while producing head bang inducing riffs all the way through to the end where you feel the need to exclaim at the top of your lungs, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!” as if you’ve just blown your Holiday load. It. Feels. Incredible.
HONORABLE MENTION: BABY, ITS COLD OUTSIDE- DOLLY PARTON, ROD STEWART
Good ol’ Rod gets a shout out for taking this Holiday classic and making its Rape themes clearer to all. Let this be a lesson to you ladies, Date Rape doesn’t take a break during the Holiday season.
CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE MOST OPPOSITE OF BADASS CHRISTMAS SONGS:
LAST CHRISTMAS- WHAM
I hate to say this, Wham, but this is the silliest of Christmas songs.
CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE MOST OPPOSITE OF BADASS CHRISTMAS VIDEOS:
IT MUST BE SANTA- BOB DYLAN
Sorry Bob Dylan, old rockers never die, but they should definitely retire before this point. “He laughs this way, Ho, Ho, Ho.” (Is he unconscious being puppeteered by the P.A.’s? Like a ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ thing? It’s probable.)
MOST BADASS (METAL) CHRISTMAS DUDE FOR LIGHTING UP HIS HOUSE WITH SLAYER
This guy spent hours making this video. RE…. SPECT…. (I know that’s Pantera, but it was fitting.)
Merry Christmas, fellow Badasses! You can walk a little taller this Holiday season and celebrate with family and friends knowing your Man/Woman cards are still valid.